Facebook Selections, Pt. III

Not quite seven months this time.

These posts are crazy-long, aren't they?

"Look at you!" What is this condescending nonsense? "Look at you!" I know damn well what I look like or what I'm doing. I don't need the approval of some arrogant, self-righteous nitwit. Take a look at *your*self, why don't you? *I'm* going to look at the ladies!

While trying to light the Chanukah candles, the flame went out on us. Oops.

Often, the local lanes move faster than the express.

The child just wanted to gaze into the wrapping paper, while everyone else wanted to tear it apart.

(the night after Christmas) Well, I'd better get in line for my King Day shopping.

There should be a band called "Turns Out They Were Midgets. Who Knew?".

I'm just a bit of a ways down the interstate from Normal.

I'm tired of hearing about smart phones. I'd rather have a wise phone.

Just *some* of a sudden

I think I've figured out why dubstep and autotune are popular. Somewhere along the line, people discovered that the beat is the only thing people can hear in a crowded night space, and therefore all other aspects of the music could be absolute non-biodegradable fecal matter, long as the beat remained intact. Hey, even if they do hear other aspects of the music, everyone's drunk anyway.

First world problems: Feeling obligated to appear concerned for all humanity by describing some inanity on the Internet as a "first world problem".

i can haz original thoughtz

I was very self-absorbed growing up. It turns out they're saying "DE-FENSE". I always just heard "heave heh" and thought it was just some kind of good-time gibberish.

"I took a women's psychology class once .... That teacher was such a bitch!" —My mother

"Everything" bagels only have poppy and sesame seeds, and bits of onion. How is that "everything"? I demand everything from rubber to lilac on my each and every bagel! It's the Jewish version of Every Flavor Beans. Harry Pottman goes to Hogschwartz!

Your attention please: "Cheshire" rhymes with "pressure". That is all.

The Super Bowl: A celebration of the fact that we're just about done with football for a few solid months. Good.

"Mommy, why are you watching a show about mothers who kill their children?"

Cheshire sez: Business that is open is most likely to get business.

I hope this isn't "TMI", but I came to realize that the sound my toilet makes when returning from "flushed" to "ready" could totally pass as background for ambient music.

*ZIP!* —the sound of a deadline whooshing by. Also, how much of a damn I give.

Life's simple pleasures: Bubble wrap.

When I was growing up, my mother told me "don't be fresh". Well, what's the alternative to being fresh? Being rotten! Am I right?

I'm sorry, but I just cannot look at that and interpret it as something other than "Deadmau Five".

Accurate adjective is accurate

Inane meme is inane

If you're building your toolbox, where do you keep the tools when you take a break?

iDunno

Thought someone called my name, but I guess that was just the music.

on we: ennui

cunt-rol freak

Menards: what a Brit exclaims when he's hit in the groin.

Life's simple pleasures: A good chocolate shake; good live music; good times and laughs with groovy people; all those things together.

I think that, if the characters in a commercial are going to have a conversation made out of the lyrics of a pop song, the commercial should be prohibited from playing the actual song at the end. It's insulting to the viewers' intelligence.

Lately it occurs to me...the new Pepsi logo looks suspiciously similar to the Steal Your Face logo.

"Facebook us! We tow cars!" —rearrangable sign for a corner convenience store

Is there an opposite of "je ne sais quois"? You know, a certain UNendearing quality? Seems like there ought to be.

I am wholly against cat declawing, but I wouldn't mind dog delarynxing.

Beating a cold: Laying off some olfactory workers.

Baseball player: A ballpark figure.

There is nothing like the roar of really good seltzer.

We have an adjective "dreary", but we don't have a noun "drear". It would be useful for describing my father.

The problem with nice days is, battling flying pests all evening.

has-been
husband

Bud Light is using "Here We Go" as a signifier of a good time. Usually, when I say "here we go", it means my family is getting into a routine and wholly unpleasant argument. "Ugh, here we go..."

Apparently, "Washington University" is in St. Louis. This kind of thing might be why I never got into college sports.

Like a simile
it turns out I don't always
like a simile