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Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fifteen or Sixteen Songs That Classic Rock Radio Needs to Forget (2014 edition)

In May of 2012, I posted this. Well, my tastes evolve ever slowly, and maybe the national classic rock selection also very subtly evolves, so I'm revisiting the list. Especially now that I've moved house to a completely new metro and have been running many errands with a short enough commute that it takes as long to boot my music player as it does to actually get there, I'm getting a fair dose of "One oh five nine, The Rock" and an excessively self-deprecating channel called "Jack eff em" (which looks like "Jack off 'em", when I write it that way), which seem to be the best in driving music that Nashville has to offer, in addition to a limited-selection oldies channel that brands itself rather inaccurately as "hippie radio". I have no idea what I'm going to put in the other three channel slots in the car; they're still set to central-Illinois frequencies. Urbana has better radio than "Music City". How is this possible? Nashville's native "country" music ain't even real country music these days; it's corporate vapid pop with a twang.

Anyway, here's my updated list of "classic rock" songs that I don't need to hear again. Some of the entries, especially the first few, remain unchanged from the 2012 list. Yay for copy-pasting! But, once again, I am trying to pick evenly from the master playlist — only one song per prominently featured artist.

{Oh, and as a side note, when did everyone start censoring Who (the fuck) Are You? They never did that in the old days, although they still totally excised the third verse on occasion. And hearing Gerry Rafferty sped up at that high pitch sends me into the fetal position, which is just a little awkward in a car. I despise unwarranted edits for a sanitized, corporate agenda. If those companies ran art museums, the paintings would have their bottom thirds chopped off and maybe some middle bits ripped out. Can you envision Mona Lisa with a jagged white strip where her smile should be? RESPECT THE MUSIC, PEOPLE! Man, I'm so glad when I get to drive a longer distance and can plug in my player. Totally worth the gasoline. *pant pant* Okay, here we go.}


Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

I can hear all the Queen lovers and Wayne's World fans getting up in arms over this choice. The truth is, though it's a fine song on its own, cinematically sewing styles together, it has simply been played and heard far too often. Believe me, back when I was making my own mixtapes on cassette (I think I got up to eight and a half), before I discovered the blogosphere, this was on one of them. Alas, the commercial world has utterly robbed this song of its luster and rendered it a mundane lump of rock in a volcanic wasteland. But I may still listen to Weird Al's Bohemian Polka on occasion.


Foghat - Slow Ride

Oh my holy Zarquon, does this song ever end? It just goes on and on and on. It was only so good to begin with. This song has nothing to hold my interest, despite the ending that gradually speeds up as if approaching orgasm. No orgasm here, though; just another mundane "classic rock" radio song.


Foreigner - Cold as Ice

Foreigner left a few candidates for this list: "Hot Blooded", "Feels Like the First Time", "Jukebox Hero" ... but I think this one beats out the other hits in the forgettability department. "Hot Blooded" at least is cheesy in that Seventies style that never gets old. And I suppose I can grant "Jukebox Hero" its "pomp" value.


Elton John - Rocket Man

I don't know; I just feel like I've heard this song a few times too many. You'd think I'd dig it more with its space theme. It might have something to do with Sir Elton having a lot of kind of slow songs with the same uninteresting piano sound. You know what EJ song I'd like to hear on radio? "Teacher, I Need You", off Don't Shoot Me. Can you imagine anyone trying to release a song like that today? (Maybe some stations play Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" in that lyrical vein. Say, I don't have any VH on this list. Oh well.)


Blondie - One Way or Another

Commercials picked a song that was never that great to begin with and pile-drove it deep into the soggy earth. I'm giving this song the (pink) slip.


Bad Company - Can't Get Enough

Another band with plenty of choices — "Feel Like Makin' Love" and "Rock & Roll Fantasy" come to mind. This one, I decided, wins the blandness contest among Bad Company's big splashes in the classic rock cesspool.


Aerosmith - Come Together

We already have the Beatles doing this song. We already have a solid selection of Aerosmith tunes. This thing is just redundant.


The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want

Use the "world's greatest rock & roll band" protest all you want; this thing is a snoozefest. "Sympathy For the Devil" is cuttin' it close as well.


Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me (live at Budokan)

I've just never liked it.


The Eagles - Take it to the Limit

Much too slow for a classic rock playlist. They made a valiant effort in making the 6/8 time signature acceptable in pop music, though.


Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight

Slow AND sappy! Piss off.


Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen

Good God, this song just goes on and on and on. Stevie should have stayed with the Mac.


Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded By the Light

This kind of long Springsteen cover is played out. And cutting out the solo doesn't make it much better; it's just kind of there. It could have been all right with lesser airplay, like the Earth Band's other Springsteen cover, "For You". That one has a certain freshness yet, although I think they chickened out replacing "lick my sores" with "fight my wars".


Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down

For a non-overplayed take on the main riff here, may I suggest Atomic Rooster's "Can't Take No More"?


....Finally, Journey. I sense some of you have been eagerly awaiting a Journey entry on this list. And I ain't one to disappoint.

Journey - Any Way You Want It

In addition to being mundane radio noise with all of "Don't Stop Believin'"'s chord progression and none of its catchiness, this song also gets regularly whored out in commercials. The dominant newspaper in middle Illinois was using it in their ads right before I moved here, just after some TV commercial or other featured two guys having a phone conversation consisting of the refrain lyrics. And then, of course, they play a snippet of the actual song, just for those few of us that may not have been exposed to it so much that they're permanently damaged from the radiation. Just — ENOUGH! I'll tell you the way I want (and therefore need) it: the fuck away from me! Begone, and never dampen my minor errand runs again!


Friday, June 13, 2014

Choice Chirps, Part II

Long time no choose chirps for the blog. Hence, this'll be a long comp. I may play with the formatting a bit. Now, since the last time I did this, my approach to Twitter has evolved some. I'm dabbling more in micropoetry (don't panic, I don't do soft erotica) and random wordplay. (Also, sex/gender issues and meridian, but except for the #YesAllWomen tweets near the end, I am excluding those here.) It's getting more difficult to make my definitive choices. I'm not quite ready to admit it: I need another editor. Or six.

Or you can just follow me.

****

Nineteen Angels of Anaheim dance on this tweet.

[...because that tweet was "pinned". —lack of ed.]

What's an obstructionist's favorite type of sex? Anal.

Austerity jewelry: those white, plastic pull-thingies from juice and milk cartons.

thy will be dumb

Dear dogs: The expression "Eat shit" is not meant to be taken literally. Serenity, Cheshire

information superhighway robbery

I prefer people who are doing good in the community over people who are doing well. Especially when the former are doing their good well.

Don't you get kinda discouraged when you realize you gotta clip your fingernails again?

Nothing seems to rhyme with "bulb". Or "film".

Do people who write/type out "G-d" do something similar for "S-tan" or "L-cifer"? It would seem only fair. And who would censor the name of their deity, anyway? Someone who thinks their deity really extra-horrible, I would think.

We've reached a dystopia foretold in classic literature. *sigh*....Or, well....

Maybe Eurasia and East Asia qualify as "proles"...........


freedom of depressed

it takes one to no one

just following hors d'oeuvres

Sudden Clarity Clarence: The word "pee" ..... is just the spelled-out first letter of "piss"

Austerity expressions: "This isn't really my cup of Ramen."

Play on
words from
a songwriter


You can't say "MTV" without "empty".

Prediction: Someone, somewhere, will think it a good idea to replace car windshields with computer screens that show what's in front of the car. When the computer system "crashes"......

The name "Osh Kosh B'Gosh". I just don't care for it.

Propaganda: To place a waterfowl in a strategic place.

Why is the "selfie" such a big phenomenon? No one wants to associate with cyber-addicts enough to take their picture for them?

outcast
ain't healin'
the pain inside


I forgot how to human.

Beloit Mindset List: All my life, my parents have occasionally said "Hey there, ho there, mouseketeer". I have never known what this means.

Subversive: Not quite poetry....

Maybe would-be employers think I'm a bit off. Well, with each job offer I don't get, I get offer.

Beloit Mindset List: Only through certain comic illustrations do I have any idea what a "dunce cap" is.

The sound of all those crows is driving me bats. Caws and effect.

Technically, every time we eat, we're breaking our fast.

Beloit Mindset List: "Rock" has never been a physical, inanimate object.

malicious
militias


In Boggle, the lone X, Z, J, K, B, and Qu are all on the same cube, thereby making certain words impossible to ever get: joke, baby, banquet, pizza, kayak, jazz, boxes, jinx.......

....and that's the current state of my life.


Beloit Mindset List: Trash cans have never been round, metal affairs.

We have "palindrome" to describe a word that's still itself when reversed, but what about words that are different words when reversed? (e.g. lived ←→ devil) What's the word for that?

Warmth smells funny.

"Contempt of court" seems an unnecessary thing. A good system shouldn't need a self-esteem booster.

Why is that show called "Dateline"? I wouldn't date any of those people. They're either murderers or dead.

The Landline's Down on Broadway

Idea seeking illustration: A child-drawn world map, with one bit labeled "Isreal" and another labeled "Isntreal".

language in pain

"Curiosity Rover" is a verified account.

Sudden Soul-Crushing Clarity Clarence: "Mommy" is almost certainly derived from "Mammy", or "thing like us but with boobs". Such high regard for our female just-over-half!

working for the weakened

Today I learned that it is now taboo to ask the names of people's pets, because those people tend to use those pets' names as their online passwords.

I could never get into a sport where "traveling" is against the rules and gets you penalized.

The passive voice shall forever be supported!

In adulthood, you have to burp yourself.

daybreaks
peaces of
the night


Here's a golden marketing opportunity: A home theater system from Apple. It would be called "Apple Cinema".

a Kafkaesque soulless
solace beneath the
ether impenetrable
limpin' in trouble


Cartoon seeking illustration: Nashville party: "Wear your best boots!" Northern boy shows up in heavy-duty winter shoes.

I hear classic distinct voices like Louis Armstrong and Jimmy Durante, and I realize: they would never become famous today.

Sane. Insane. Guess which word I learned first in my life...?

"Is this sponsored by Kraft? 'Cause it's the CHEESIEST, baby!"

No wonder Colorado approved medical marijuana. It relieves the pain from all the gunshot wounds.

Sleep apnea is hereditary. My father snores and knocks all around in the next room, making all kinds of noise, and then I can't sleep.

I never got into the Muppets.

The aggressive
flower seller
pushing daisies


the holiday seizin'

I like to make up my own slang for "awesome", "cool", etc. Novel. Angelic. Innovative.

The system is simultaneously fixed and broken.

Any time you encounter the word "party", replace it with "potty". "I can't sleep; they're havin' a loud potty across the way." It's especially accurate when describing the political potties.

My annual New Years jokes: "My resolution: 1280 × 1024" ; and "Now that the ball has dropped, maybe New York can start to grow up."

A quick shout-out to the people who will active MAKE this a happy year.

FLAC: Audio files for audiophiles.

A bread indeed. A bread in knead.

Her hair looks wavy. But it doesn't wave.

I was a big fan of the Road Runner as a child. Now, I cruise the information superhighway. And Street View.

You may be a cyberaddict if you think you recognize an acquaintance in Street View — in a city more foreign than your best friend's thoughts.


viewers nothing whatsoever like me

the silence of complete and utter strangers

the silence of the sheep

the BAAHing of boors

in the slaughterhouse queue


Frustration is sexy.

I'm not a big enough fan to create it, but there should be someone with the Twitter handle "lantarhythmsection".

I keep thinking the word is "stagnance", rather than "stagnation". Why can't it be "stagnance"? More to the point, why can't it be vibrancy?

Can you television from a hunch?

Odd number: A song that doesn't follow the Axis of Awesome "four-chord" structure.

How great would it be to be named Simon? No matter what you say, people would have to heed you. Simon said it.

a search engine that focuses exclusively on Jewish recipes, named "Kugel"

"Start over again" sounds like we're starting for the third or more time, doesn't it? Maybe we should just admit that what we're doing isn't working.

Why, in 2014, aren't washers and dryers combined into one appliance?

damn soul in distress

Schwinn salesman: A bike peddler.

"I'm trying"
words from
a nuisance


eke a mouse from the floorboards


It takes one to call one that ........, friend.

Amen: A phrase shouted when trying to get the attention of some guys.

Cartoon seeking illustration: "We asked you to make a new APSE for the church, not an APP!" (monitor reads "ERROR 404 GOD NOT FOUND")

The percent chance for precipitation is always a multiple of ten.

Oh, rivet a guest already!

time marches ana

flying so
              lo
to the ground


Thanks to Joyce Carol Oates for the phrase "concatenation of experiences". I'm just...so in love with it.

Say No to the Show

taking a bitch-slap forward

Alas: what an Irishman exclaims upon spotting an Irishwoman.

"OKCupid" sounds like an admission of defeat, doesn't it? Like a last resort. "....UUUGGGGHHH....oKAY, Cupid. May as well get this over with. God fucking dammit."

I was all prepared with the response, "Lonely." But they never asked me how I was!

Smiling fazes.

practicing moderation........in moderation

from a new point of you

Adults don't get to wear "onesies".

I want to be loved. How fucking original.

open window to
a writer's soul
it's very drafty


the Love Song of J Alfred E Neuman

In chess, the king, although especially vulnerable and limited, can still kill.

Sudden Clarity Clarence: His name is Mercury. Mercury is used in old-school thermometers, which measure temperature in degrees.........FAHRENHEIT!

Life is a death threat.

Current popular television in a nutshell: Hunger Game of Thrones

Game of Throwin' Up


adding insult to imagery

I stumble from a long line of klutzes.

Potential baby names: Madeline Rain, Empathy, Ellie Delights, Dusk. Boy or girl, I don't give a shit.

I have a square magnet from the postmodern art museum. I have no idea which way is up.

T Women and a Truck

Take me to your two-liter.

She's like soft-serve. Cold and flavorless.


Much .edu about nothing

[I hat-tipped Nein Quarterly on the above tweet and earned a retweet with it, thus it has become my biggest hit tweet so far. And possibly my only hit tweet. —lack of ed.]

Re "The last man on earth sat alone in a room"... I might not mind being the only man in an otherwise all-female world. Σ:+)

You can't spell "lifeline" without "feline".

Beloit Mindset List: TLC has never stood for "Tender loving care". ....OR "The Learning Channel", come to think of it. But! It just might be a pop group.

What do I call someone who thrusts their obsession with small, annoying dogs on everyone? A terrierist.

Falafelsophy: Life is all about food.

Hope never dies, but it does remain comatose on life support indefinitely.

masturbaderoom

straitjacket on a crooked mind

the scene of the cryin'

her birthday she
pulled a Shakespeare
Willie reached
la petite mort


political science

poli sci

polizei

nothing's gonna change


Radish: Kind of, sort of, cool.

Beloit Mindset List: Many kids probably have no idea what that (2001: A Space Odyssey) music in all the ads is from.

Enjoyment of court-oriented TV shows is a "guilty" pleasure.

Fairy cries for mercy

waking up to
the barking of dogs
I don't love


devil-may-be-wholly-apathetic-like-the-rest-of-us

Miles and miles of dry land are what separate the men from the buoys.

Firedfox

baruch ata I dunno [Deepest apologies if anyone takes offense at this one. —lack of ed.]

entree the giant

#YesAllWomen. Because maybe not all men, but still clearly way too many of us.

People: Respect every human. Never rape, abuse, or harass anyone. It's that simple. ☮


My male feminist views are dissenting ones that will get me nowhere in this society. #YesAllWomen

And #YesAllPeople are impacted by our societal values. Women and men alike perpetuate harmful standards.

Concurrent trending hashtags: #YesAllWomen; #ThingsGirlsSayDuringSex; #MemorialDay. Yay, 'murica! And where was #ThingsBoysSayDuringSex? See the first hashtag...


Saw the media
shower. A shooting                               star nowhere to be
found


A photoshop error is a manip-slip.

just in headcase

Contemporary TV comedy in a nutshell: Modern Family Guy

corned beef hashtag

patience runs out
just for a quick err
                               and
takes a
            long
time to return


Love me in the FACE.

vitamin D-ficiency

All right. Grab your torches and head back to the cross. ▲

Monday, June 9, 2014

8 Utterances That Tell Me I Can Never Associate With You

Hello from middle Tennessee! I'm finally moved from flatlands, and for this quality's youth, it feels good.

As a natural part of moving, I was without internet for about a week. During that time, I typed up most of this — a web-inspired, typical "listicle" (i.e. an article that is formatted as a list). At least for this particular list of utterances, I am purposely avoiding things like sexual slurs and other blatant bits of name-calling, and sticking with just general things people say that turn me off. Things like....

1. “I hate cats”

During my last part-time job in the flatlands, every time I mentioned my love of cats to a coworker, no matter who it was, this was their response (usually preceded by an “ugh”). It is a sure indicator of a closed mind. Every cat is different. Every cat has a distinct personality. The speaker could probably get on quite well with a feline whose personality was a good match. On the other hand, maybe antagonistic, touch-averse, hissing characters are their best match. It's just a crying shame; my coworkers all seemed otherwise like such nice people.


Seriously? You hate this?

2. “I hate jazz”

Another blanket statement from a blank, closed mind. “Jazz” covers a tremendous variety of sounds, ranging from soft pop to frenetic improvisation, from traditional song structures to experimental chaos. In this sense, jazz is basically synonymous with music. You wouldn't hate music, would you? Ergo, why should you hate an arbitrary subset of it that focuses on real people playing real instruments? Unless, of course, you're a total misanthrope......

3. “Oh em gee”

It's annoying enough when people say “Oh my God” four times a minute, reflecting how much trouble they have accepting any minute difference between them and whatever it is they've encountered in their limited travels, but hearing this “trendy”, cyber-influenced spelling aloud just....makes me twitch a little extra, somehow. I lack the words to provide reason here — something to do with sheepishness, probably.

4. “Ooh, Law & Order is on”

The perverted showcase of self-righteous law enforcement (sometimes with bad puns!) is ALWAYS on. I've watched enough of my life go by with this show and its spinoffs in the other room. Please try to find some life beyond the screens.

5. “it is what it is”

This one's appeared in many a “detestable phrases” list. By golly, I happen to agree with the nomination. “That's just the way it is” would be a much better way of getting that point across; at least it actually says something. “It's pretty obvious” would also work nicely, depending on the context. “It is what it is” tells me, if anything, that nobody, certainly not the speaker, has the mind and passion enough to do anything about it. Surely that can't be true. Please don't let it be true.


It is, in fact, something else entirely.

6. “just sayin'”

This all too common utterance implies that there is no thought or substance propelling the speaker's words. There's just an empty echo of forgotten, and therefore forgettable, sources. No heart or soul. Just “sayin'”. I'm just conveying my thoughts about this expression.

7. Unprovoked, earnest mentions of God or Jesus

I apologize for this; I'm sure you mean well. I simply don't go for the religious scene. And sure, I may be going to hell, but at least I'm attempting to enjoy the ride.


Music helps me immensely in that endeavor.

8. “I don't care”

…oh. I'm sorry to hear that. I was caring, under the condition that you would do the same. My incentive to regard you as an equal human being deserving of respect is now gone. Except that you at least had the courtesy to admit that you don't care.

All right, back sometime with more. Cheers, cyberspace!