Monday, June 9, 2014

8 Utterances That Tell Me I Can Never Associate With You

Hello from middle Tennessee! I'm finally moved from flatlands, and for this quality's youth, it feels good.

As a natural part of moving, I was without internet for about a week. During that time, I typed up most of this — a web-inspired, typical "listicle" (i.e. an article that is formatted as a list). At least for this particular list of utterances, I am purposely avoiding things like sexual slurs and other blatant bits of name-calling, and sticking with just general things people say that turn me off. Things like....

1. “I hate cats”

During my last part-time job in the flatlands, every time I mentioned my love of cats to a coworker, no matter who it was, this was their response (usually preceded by an “ugh”). It is a sure indicator of a closed mind. Every cat is different. Every cat has a distinct personality. The speaker could probably get on quite well with a feline whose personality was a good match. On the other hand, maybe antagonistic, touch-averse, hissing characters are their best match. It's just a crying shame; my coworkers all seemed otherwise like such nice people.

Seriously? You hate this?

2. “I hate jazz”

Another blanket statement from a blank, closed mind. “Jazz” covers a tremendous variety of sounds, ranging from soft pop to frenetic improvisation, from traditional song structures to experimental chaos. In this sense, jazz is basically synonymous with music. You wouldn't hate music, would you? Ergo, why should you hate an arbitrary subset of it that focuses on real people playing real instruments? Unless, of course, you're a total misanthrope......

3. “Oh em gee”

It's annoying enough when people say “Oh my God” four times a minute, reflecting how much trouble they have accepting any minute difference between them and whatever it is they've encountered in their limited travels, but hearing this “trendy”, cyber-influenced spelling aloud just....makes me twitch a little extra, somehow. I lack the words to provide reason here — something to do with sheepishness, probably.

4. “Ooh, Law & Order is on”

The perverted showcase of self-righteous law enforcement (sometimes with bad puns!) is ALWAYS on. I've watched enough of my life go by with this show and its spinoffs in the other room. Please try to find some life beyond the screens.

5. “it is what it is”

This one's appeared in many a “detestable phrases” list. By golly, I happen to agree with the nomination. “That's just the way it is” would be a much better way of getting that point across; at least it actually says something. “It's pretty obvious” would also work nicely, depending on the context. “It is what it is” tells me, if anything, that nobody, certainly not the speaker, has the mind and passion enough to do anything about it. Surely that can't be true. Please don't let it be true.

It is, in fact, something else entirely.

6. “just sayin'”

This all too common utterance implies that there is no thought or substance propelling the speaker's words. There's just an empty echo of forgotten, and therefore forgettable, sources. No heart or soul. Just “sayin'”. I'm just conveying my thoughts about this expression.

7. Unprovoked, earnest mentions of God or Jesus

I apologize for this; I'm sure you mean well. I simply don't go for the religious scene. And sure, I may be going to hell, but at least I'm attempting to enjoy the ride.

Music helps me immensely in that endeavor.

8. “I don't care”

…oh. I'm sorry to hear that. I was caring, under the condition that you would do the same. My incentive to regard you as an equal human being deserving of respect is now gone. Except that you at least had the courtesy to admit that you don't care.

All right, back sometime with more. Cheers, cyberspace!

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