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THIS BLOG IS RATED WWW-MA.

Update 2020-12-16: (True sticky posts banned; click to read.) So, owing to the evolution of the internet, or at least my own approach to it,...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dead Celebrity Round-Up

Bad time for celebrities these days. It only seems like my humble duty as a blogger to face it. When three of them depart on the same day that I see the largest real rainbow I've seen in a long, long time, it's rather difficult to ignore. And I know it's probably coincidence, but it still lingers in the mind like the smell of curry. (These are not designed to be jokes in poor taste. I'm just telling it like I perceive it. I turned 23 this past Friday.)

Ed McMahon: My generation might remember him as the Publisher's Clearing House guy. I'm only vaguely aware of who Johnny Carson was.

Sky Saxon: Does the Seeds' founder qualify as a celebrity? Well, although I've not had much success getting into the Seeds' brand of garage/psych, this is probably the one of the recent that affects me the most.

Farrah Fawcett: Never really known much about her. I may recall the occasional headline about her battle with cancer. I caught an episode or two of "Charlie's Angels" a couple nights ago; she does have a nice smile.....

Michael Jackson: All due respect to Michael Jackson (however much that may be), I was never a fan. Don't much care for the music; in my life, he's mainly been a tabloid and media favorite, not unlike Paris Hilton or the "Octomom." And you know how much I care about tabloid and media favorites......

Billy Mays: All I can say about Billy Mays is: Advertisements will seem quiet without him.

Friday, June 19, 2009

A Scene I'd Like to Enact

Two guys, one of which is me, at a bus stop. I'm in yellow; other guy's in cyan (or light blue, if you prefer).

Hey.

How ya doin'.

Eh, not too bad. I'd be a lot better if the coffee machine were fixed, but I should be able to have everything done on time.

Ah, you dig that whole "deadlines" thing, huh?

Hang on a sec....I'm not talking to you; I'm on the phone.

....Ah.

....Yeah, I'll CC the whole HR department. Shouldn't be a problem. .......Talk to you later. Bye. .....Haven't you learned to tell when someone's talking on the phone yet?!

Hang on a sec....I'm not talking to you; I'm talking to the voices in my head. .......Yeah, nevermind that stuff, why don't you just throttle him by the neck? Let him know you're not a &$@# robot! .....Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about! Catch you later. ........Anything else I can do for you?

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Anyone else ever feel like they've pulled a muscle yawning? I've done it a few times now. It's really weird and unpleasant.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Honing My Nonexistent Stand-Up Routine

WARNING: This post contains language and imagery that some may find crude and perhaps even offensive. If such material upsets you, you may wish to scroll down to the next post. (Look for a change in color.) It's a lot easier than ignoring this warning, reading this post, getting upset and taking me to court in the hopes that the Patriot Act completely reversed the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution. You've been warned. I am not an ATM.

I heard an ad during the Cubs game for one of those cars that responds to spoken commands, except, for this one, you maintain a normal, casual speech pattern. Wouldn't that make it difficult to have a normal conversation with someone while in the car? Suppose you're on the speakerphone (no hand-held phones, please), and you tell someone at home to "pick up milk on the way home." Will the car think you're talking to it, automatically drive to a place with milk and then make its own way to your house? Or maybe it'll consider the dealership or the factory where it was assembled "home" and go there? If you tell the kids in the back to "be quiet," will the car again assume that you're talking to it, and shut itself down so it doesn't make any noise? How about if you tell someone to "go fuck yourself"? What kind of tricks might the car perform? Suppose you're frustrated about something and utter an exasperated "Fuck me!" Could the car accommodate this request? Suppose it's not willing. Can you be legally charged with attempted rape of an automobile?

I don't need a "Transformers"-type car that's actually a pseudo-living intelligent being. My sense of direction is great. If I wanted live transportation, I'd get a horse.

Keep it simple.

Message to David Letterman (and possibly others)

Please, please, on bended knees, with a cherry on top, or two cherries, or even a whole watermelon if you want, but please — let Sarah Palin fade into obscurity, I am begging you......

Thursday, June 4, 2009

We'll be right back to "male enhancement" commercials right after this fraction of a movie on AMC.

Monday, June 1, 2009

What is the purpose of only partially slicing bagels? They do it at Panera, they do it at the grocery. Either slice the bagel or don't! Preferably don't, because once it's sliced, it can't be un-sliced. At least the bagel place on Touhy near Cicero Ave. knows enough to leave the bagels whole. (They got great chive cream cheese, too!)
You never hear about an "ugly cat" contest.