Sunday, December 18, 2011

Selections from Seven *More* Months of a Second Facebook Account

This period saw the introduction of a subset of my friends on there who could see some uncensored stuff. There were maybe eight of my three hundred seventy-something friends on it, and they saw maybe five statuses that no one else did.

So, uh, happy Gregorian New Year, and enjoy!

It was a moment of intense, supernatural realization. The universe suddenly made sense. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I could take the whole bloody thing on, hand to void, and win. Ask the alarm clock. It took it.

Those graduate gowns are a wonderful shade of Cubbie Blue......

Toto...I've a feeling we're not on Campus anymore.

"Had you taken your antidepressants the day you committed the murder?"
"I honestly don't remember."

One of the few downsides of not having a mobile device is the inability to capture a photo or video of three people at the same table at a restaurant, all on their own mobile devices, completely silent.

On second thought, maybe that's all right.

Tabasco status. To spice up your news feed.

If pleasure is childish, I don't want to be an adult.

Have you noticed that we have "budding" geniuses but "bloomin'" idiots?

I'm too full of my own to take any of yours.

I could feel my brain ripping neatly in two. Although a sharp and abrupt sensation, it wasn't terribly painful. I knew that everything would be all right.

I was always rather self-absorbed. For years, I thought Lamaze was some kind of macramé-type artsy thing.

Some guitarists like to use picks; some prefer bare fingers. Different strokes, eh?

Great words in the English language: Awkward. It is as it says.

I tried hitting the Refresh button. It didn't work. I'm still groggy, high-strung and cranky.

The university's "spam digest" used to just leave me alone if I hadn't gotten any e-mails that qualified as spam that day. Now it sends me "0 new messages" e-mails.

"She used to be younger than you, but now she's your age." —my mom

I suppose that, as a Cubs fan, I should actually admire spammers and the like. Stayin' positive. Keepin' at it.

It's a nasty job, but someone's gotta do it. Or so we think.

"Smart as a whip". How is a whip smart? Does it drive the horses? Nothing with which we associate whips today connotes "smart". "Sadistically sexy as a whip", maybe. But not particularly smart.

I'm not always certain whether they're fruit flies or eye floaters.

Kvetch 22. You can't deal with something without complaining, but the complaining just makes the thing more difficult to deal with.

Life's simple pleasures: sucking the pimientos out of olives.

Things people say that bug me: "I'm just sayin'." To me, this implies that there's no thought behind the words. No substance. Just emptily sayin'. Just thought I ought to tell you.

Zombie mother to her children: "Eat your noodles!"

Hands-free phones: Allowing people who talk to themselves to not seem so crazy.

I saw a magazine cover that advertised "Ten style rules to break now!" Is it actually possible for style to be its own absence? Doesn't it render the whole thing meaningless? Maybe the new style is golf attire.

Why do we "write stuff down" but "type stuff up"?

I don't watch CSI or whichever show it is that he's on, but I figure Gary Sinise is a good actor by the fact that he seemed genuinely enthusiastic when performing the seventh inning stretch at the Cubs game.

"The Face Book" — the name of a book sitting on a table in the waiting area at the cosmetic surgeon's

Life's simple pleasures: Listening to the dogs crunch when I've given them croutons.

(Is it just me, or do all my "life's simple pleasures" involve food?)

A tiny spider
Roaming 'round the monitor
Trying to get down

I think the spiders are trying to tell me something by using me, at this position before the computer, to build their web from the ceiling.

You might be on Facebook a bit too much if, while driving someone else's car, a good while into the trip, you suddenly notice the little blue sticker in the bottom left of the windshield, and you think you got a notification.

I wonder if Lady Gaga is popular enough to get her own Google app. I'd enjoy hearing all the grown men and women talking about Google Gaga.

Watching my e-mail
For something personal that
Will kick my head in

Idle (or Idol) observation: Steven Tyler is appearing in drug rehab ads. He's also moved over the years from pioneering awesome rock to mainstream drek.


Who here "takes" lunch? I don't "take" lunch, but I will occasionally "have" lunch. The economy prevents me from "going out to" lunch often. Actually, I don't need to go out to it. I'm already there.

Life's little moments: Getting to your parents' empty house, using the house phone to call their cell, and hearing their cell ring in the next room.

You might be in a small town if it's late August, and the ballpark has a sign advertising an event for May 21.

You might be in a small town if you overhear someone say that it's okay if flies get in the house because it gives them something to do.

"Deal with it." There's an interesting turn of the English language. "That's the way it is. Deal with it." "Thank you, I will." POW!!! "There. I've dealt with it."

I gotta say, for all the praise I've heard about Paul Newman, he apparently never figured out the art of putting shaker tops on his dressings. (Yeah. I know. I'm a young'un.)

People I admire: a Gulliver's delivery guy with an "Official member of the Piss and Moan About Everything Club" T-shirt. "Welcome home", I told him.

We call it "playing" music even when we're dead serious about it. Although occasionally someone will "work" their guitar.

It seems smart, to me, to live east of the place you go during the day. That way, the sun isn't blinding you both ways.

Doing the dishes
Hoping that thereby I can
Feel a little warmth

‎"Let's make homemade 3D the next big thing." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's already something very similar to this. It's called "life".

I, like many other Americans, suffer from an extreme and seldom diagnosed mental condition known as GAFDD, or Give a Fuck Deficit Disorder. Please copy and paste this to your status to raise awareness of this affliction. Or don't.

You ever ask a family member where they're going, and they say "out"? Don't you just want to punch them in the face?

You ever try to click "Cancel" for something on the computer, and the computer won't let you because it's too busy with the process you're trying to cancel?

You know how some people say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? I say, fuck that shit!

The pepper-sprayer's name is Bologna? Man, you can't make this stuff up.

Where did the idea of calling one's children "Boo-boo" come from? "Boo-boo" in my mind refers to a scrape or similar injury — the result of an accident. Oh, wait.....

Is it "hipster" to dismiss hipsters as cliché?

"Divided by zero". Not divided. One. Thoughts like this are why I switched out of math/computer science.

A moccasin is a nice casual bit of footwear for indoor and light outdoor use. A water moccasin is a fanged, venomous creature of wilderness. How is this possible?

The serving spoon fell in.

It may perhaps be beneficial to folks to tell you this: I have very little sense of "cute". Puppies and babies do nothing for me, exactly one adult dog that I know of qualifies, and children only rarely qualify. Cats are more "majestic" than "cute", per se.

And I REALLY don't like referring to mixed-breed dogs with made-up combination words like shnoodle, chorkie, or whatever other god-awful concoctions I've heard. They're mutts! Mini, standard, and large, mutts!

I'm dog tired. Think I'll nap now.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World FTbigW

What starts with an F, ends with a K, and involves a lot of soul-crushing disappointment? (hint: the answer appears in the name of this blog post.)

"Those people on TV sound like you, Mommy!"

I don't think I've ever actually seen a prank "flag" gun in real life, but it seems to me, the flag ought to pop out in a way that the "victim" can see it, rather than rotated 90° like they're always portrayed.

‎"Word to the wise." Don't the wise already know the word? That's why they're wise. You don't need to give the word to the wise. The ignorant are the ones who could use it. "Word to the ignorant." That makes more sense to me.

Human animals: Pigs, road hogs, stupid cows, horses and bulldogs on the field, bunnies that aren't dogs, dirty rats, scaredy cats who are chicken, snakes in the grass, loan sharks. Sitting ducks for a poem or a song. Go get 'em, tiger!

The flower supplier for my cousin's wedding is called "Pollen"? Awesome! I can't wait to get my groceries at Artificial Preservatives!

The landing gear on my spacecraft is damaged. And the entire planet is hard land — no water. I'll have to remain in orbit indefinitely.

You ever bite into a Reese's for the first time in a long time and realize, after a couple seconds, that you're eating the redundant, inedible brown wrapper?

On this, the (pick your own integer)th day of Thanksgiving, I give thanks that I'm under absolutely no obligation to stay true to trends and can therefore skip days and indeed stop doing this altogether. Peace and love.

From the other room, the 60 Minutes ticking sounds like a parent making that "Naughty, naughty" sound. "Ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch.....bad TV viewer. You should know better."

Anal eyes
Anal lies

(stares at this with hand on chin, pondering if it's worth anything)

It can hardly be a coincidence that there are three Ps in "puppy".


‎"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Who here has someone they consider "a good neighbor"? Is a good neighbor merely one that leaves you alone? "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there but will do nothing for you."

"Keep your eyes peeled." Do I even have to explain my puzzlement at how this one came about?

taking showers away from me

Consider it

I keep my toiletries in a plastic bag from Reckless Records, which I keep in my bedroom. This way, they're not locked in a bathroom that someone else is using when I need to freshen up and leave in a rush.

Dinner just tastes so much better than supper, doesn't it?

Typist: One who discriminates against those who "aren't their type".

I wonder how much of my life I've spent drying stuff. My hands, dishes, clothes, the rest of my body. Seems like a lot sometimes.

If I ever have a child (ha ha), I think I'll name it "Fire".

With apologies to Tom Paxton:

I don't want a puppy-wuppy in my humble abode
In my humble abode in the sun
For a puppy's more unpleasant than a busted commode
In my humble abode in the sun

If you outlaw anything at all, there will be outlaws.

I thought I saw you for a moment, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually you.

Every piss is when you Pee.

What's with all the parking signs and meters that prohibit parking completely between 2a and 6a? For what reason? Does somebody actually enforce that stuff?

I heard my mother talking about curling someone's hair with a straightener. I thought, what? Shouldn't that require a curler?

I take comfort in the fact that, in this contemporary, hi-def world, drive-thru speakers are as crackly and primitive as they've ever been.

We humans love convenience. We'd much rather send our pets out in the cold rain than clean up our floors inside.

I need sex like there's no fucking tomorrow.

Feel like posting a status, but have nothing much to say just now.

Peace and love!

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