Thursday, July 18, 2013

Choice Chirps, Part I

I'm rather struggling of late to muster anything to post that won't make both me the writer and you the reader yearn deeply for the sweet, sweet caress of death. The same is true, I suspect, of all the rest of the Internet these days. With that in mind, I come to realize that I haven't done one of these short-takes roundups in rather a while. I hope at least some of these are as entertaining as they seemed when I originally chirped, or "tweeted", them. (Some have been edited and cleaned up in translation to Blogger.) Enjoy!

Why are they called "urban legends"? Aren't a bunch of them rural in origin and popularity?

Maybe doorknobs should be at eye level rather than elbow level. What did my elbows ever do to doorknobs? Huh!?

In this age of cursing and mud-slinging, nobody seems to call you a "doofus" anymore.

Where I live, Election Day just happens to coincide with "garbage night".

Cartoon panel yearning for illustration: a dog yelling RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF RUFF, and a cat gently murmuring "Smooth."

You know a case of verbal diarrhea has gotten bad when it gets to talking about the other kind.

My father has what I call the Sadim touch. Everything he gets involved with turns to shit.

A "blockbuster" is now a wrecking ball that demolishes buildings that used to feature Blockbuster Video stores.

December: It's the most overplayed time of the year.

Parents: The playfully mocking way you pronounce certain things may be how your kid(s) will think they're actually pronounced. Apparently, "homage" is pronounced "ah-midge".

Social climate change: The theory that people are getting colder.

Tweeted by Jasmine Dreame: "The "why" stage of adulthood is so much worse than the "why stage of childhood."

Looked up "twitter" in the dictionary on a whim. It says, "to talk rapidly in a nervous or trivial way." (OAD, 2008)

Google+ emails my Gmail account. The e-mails land in the Spam folder.

Is anything other than wit ever "vaunted"?

Assorted anagrams for Cheshire Adams: "He has dire scam". "Her chasm aside". "Ham chaser dies". "Cash sad; hire me!"

Why do we choose to stop observing Daylight Saving Time during the time of year when we could use the extra daylight?

Supposedly Google has developed self-driving cars. Fuck that shit. Show me a self-functioning lawnmower. I'll gladly snatch that up.

Why is tupperware round? It's inefficient. It would store better as squares. Or right triangles. Or hexagons.

I wasn't looking at the ad. I merely heard: "Click to see simple inaction".

Eggnog ice cream or milkshakes taste much better than actual eggnog.

Turning over a new leaf likely won't help if it's from the same tree.

My father puts the "annoyed" in "humanoid".

He who announces that something must be done clearly doesn't intend to do it himself.

Things I miss about childhood: Standing on the base of the shopping cart, pushing it along with my foot, and riding it down the aisle.

If someone gets kicked out of a hacker group, are they deleeted?

Y'ever get a big thing of chocolate-covered raisins, pick out the Siamese ones, and separate 'em with your incisors before chewing? Sublime, isn't it?

Does anything other than corn come on cobs?

"I lost part of my earring; I hope I didn't drop it in the food somewhere." —my mother, while baking

"Spare ribs" sounds like they're leftovers, doesn't it? What are these restaurants selling us, anyway?!

I'm not even bothering trying to set something in stone. At this point, I'll be ecstatic if I can make an impression on "memory foam".

"The Itsy Bitsy Spider" seems to be a metaphor for people who keep living in flood zones.

It's really just a single oodle — not that much at all.

People I can do without: Social network users who snarkily imply that you should Google the question you just asked. I'm trying to be social, you bastards. That's what this thing is for. You are part of the problem.

Teach your children to say "pardon?" or "sorry?", because "loser says what."

The average human imagination can likely be approximated by the fact that only one world flag is non-rectangular.

Threw out cassette tapes
it wasn't my decision
This is not my home.


Because nouns.

dashing the wishes

Always remember: It's the little things that accumulate and erode you slowly and agonizingly.

Not all who constantly harp are angels.

far and tethered

I think I'm coming around to understanding "taking the lord's name in vain" being an abomination. I'm so tired of people who say "Oh my God" four times a minute.

Worthless endeavor
putting a single staple
inside the stapler


Idea yearning for illustration: "Doctor Who's Next", in which a TARDIS has replaced the concrete monument on which Townshend et al. have pissed. (Edit 7-18-13: Just had the brilliant idea of Google Image searching for it. Yay, results!)

Re the Beloit Mindset List: By now, Sonic the Hedgehog is old enough to have an obese toddler — powered by onion rings.

Also re the Beloit Mindset List: Fiat never existed in America before this year.


Nashville has an FM radio station that brands itself as "Hippie radio". It features hourly updates from Fox News.

"Turn up the Radio" came on at work, but it was nearly inaudible.

Why, as a species, do we demonize the end slices of loaves of bread?

Why also do we hold a glass that has a handle, not by the handle?


Trends I have seen on Twitter: "Scandal", "TheMostAnnoyingThingsInLife", "DontBotherMeWhenIm", "ThingsIHateAboutSchool". Talk about Bill Watterson's "excessively negative people".

How am I supposed to take seriously anything on a site called "SurveyMonkey"?

Where the grass is greener, it probably rains that much more.

They tell me the key to success is who you know. A midwestern only child of a day care worker and a loner bureaucrat, I guess I'm screwed.

We lose an hour to commence Daylight Saving Time.

Life's little moments: Blowing a hole right through the tissue.

So it turns out, a "speed zone" is a place to go slow.

The fruit I was eating had actual seeds! I want to get on the porcelain rotary phone and tell everyone!

Slow cooker: A device for torturing you with smells of things that you can't enjoy for hours yet.

I suppose it's "creepy" or some such thing if I go to play on the playground in the park.

The printer software offered to print the page that said I was almost out of ink.

Loitering: Because only rapists and child killers would want to stand outside in enjoyable weather.

Y'ever just lie in the darkness and watch the green and purple swirls as they perform the mathematics of the universe?

Clarifying lotion: It's this goop you can put on your body to make your body feel better.

Two things I can give away limitlessly: The finger, and orgasms.

So I guess non-GMO products will wear a "non-GMO" label, and we'll buy those.

I think "major" and "minor" scales are misnamed. Seems to me the most urgent messages use "minor" keys.

Some things I've never seen in real life: Frogs, snakes, somebody flying a kite. Much more where those came from.

Far too much of the chicken is white meat. Not unlike the country.

Here's something I don't much care for: store-bought sauerkraut with caraway seeds. I guess someone had a reuben on rye and got confused.

Perhaps life is more valuable when there is greater threat of its sudden end. (In other words, fuck safety.)

Quite telling, perhaps, that the phrase "I hope you're happy" is most commonly spoken and associated with bitterness and sarcasm.

Paying big bucks for
cheap lawn gloves. It's my hands that
got the raw deal


Sunlight rapes the shades
another fruitless day has
been thrust upon me


A picture of a tree
in a wooden frame


You can't negotiate with terriers.

Doctor Who caption in search of illustration: Psychedalek

Is it far-out to be down-to-earth?

Has there been an episode of a mainstream cop show where the cause of the crime turned out to be supernatural? It seems to me that this needs to happen.

I hope that wasn't
an itty bitty earring
the vacuum picked up


You don't meet too many Ursulas anymore. I think it's because Disney ruined that name.

I have a crack problem.

Knuckles, heel, elbows, neck — I crack 'em all.


Every Facebook user wants a "Dislike" button. Me, I'd prefer a "Be happy for them while wholly bitter that you'll be in no such place any time soon" button.

Songs used to go "do do do do do do do". Now they go "don't don't don't don't don't don't don't". (...wait, what?)

lunatic fringe benefits

Some useful information about me: I am a VERY sore loser.

Rehearse: To transport a dead person a second time.

Funny how some dogs that bark as loud as they do can be scared of loud noises.

Unemployment Valentine Candy Hearts: "Dole queue-tee"; "Be my reference"; "This gun's for hire"; "May as well take off the suit".

Why do we call it "dusting"? Shouldn't it be "de-dusting"? In my case, more like "de-hairing"....

Obligatory: A temporary existential plane, characterized by perpetual obligation to others until the time when a more permanent plane has become available. See also "life".

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