Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Selections from Seven Months of a Second Facebook Account

(Some of these are slightly edited from the originals.)

Enjoy!


A female in my family subscribes to a catalog called "Woman Within". Does this sound to anyone else like a service for transgender men?

You are what you ingest. My father's favorite type of tea happens to be called "Constant Comment".

The French word for "cat" sounds like the Persian word for "supreme ruler". Coincidence? I think not.

Nothing ever goes according to plan with me. This is probably because there is never a plan to which things can go according.

No wonder I thought the TV was on. Someone's playing a Morricone album in the other room.

I've always loved desserts. In kindergarten, we sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee", and I always thought the line was "...of the icing". What modern kindergartener knows from eighteenth century grammar?

IKEA products are not designed by engineers.

I tried clicking the Help button. It didn't work. I'm still a wreck.

(in response to some car company's holiday season TV ad claiming that "Nobody ever asked for a smaller gift") Not true. My mother got pretty mad when the dress we got her was too big.

Life's simple pleasures: Licking the bowl while baking.

Of all the things the university has stolen from me, I miss my mind the most.

Cheshire Adams walks into a bar. OW!, he grimaces, walking on, clutching his head in pain.

You rarely hear about male contortionists.

A cartoon caption in search of an illustration: Skeletons coming out of the closet

♪♫♪ One of these things is not like the others
One of these things belongs anyway ♪♫♪


(New Year's morning) This is it?

I got ten new compact discs this past holiday. Now I can spend many happy hours listening to other stuff while I try to get these bloody things open.

Our new smoke/carbon monoxide detector has a mute button.

This Facebook thing is great. If I poked people I weren't close with in real life, I'd probably land in a correctional facility.

If radio is going to play the Rare Earth version of "Get Ready", they should play all twenty minutes of it.

Well, I don't know. You think optimism might help?

To my knowledge, the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago is the only museum groovy enough to have its own built-in ice cream parlor.

Your overzealous advertising of your anti-spam product has backfired.

I GOT A BLACKBERRY!!!!!

.....and then I ate it. I was very hungry.


(a source that will remain unidentified to protect me, on Dr. King Day) "I don't give a fuck why we have a day off."

Lit match. Incensed. ☮

Either that, or the window needs to be cleaned. (Or both.)

nervous-compulsive at "work"

I suppose with a name like Winehouse, it was inevitable.

If the line between comedy and truth were any blurrier, it wouldn't exist at all.

I made this comment to someone and was immediately de-friended by that person.


Cold weather may be a pain at first, but you get numb to it after a while.

You might be a Chicagoan if you wear the same old sneakers in this kind of deep snow and think nothing of it.

It's not necessarily pro or con. It just is.

solace, not soulless

I looked up Mark Zuckerberg on here, just on a whim. Friending him isn't an option.

You know what they say.....therefore, there's no need for me to repeat it.

It is, in fact, something else entirely.

I'm so far out of the Loop, I cannot even be said to be in Elgin.

Words that sound weird when heard completely at random: Fallaciously.

Academic FAIL.

I may be a little hazy on my Greek and Latin word roots, but I believe "academics" comes from "aca", "up and/or forward", and "demic", "of the people". Up and/or forward to what, I wonder.....

Regarding spicy food: It is merely my personal opinion that food — that thing we depend upon for sustenance — should not be physically painful to eat.

I was always a bit self-absorbed. It took me years to figure out that the meaty bits of clam chowder weren't chicken.

I was always a bit self-absorbed. For years, I thought WD-40 was a tax form.

True stuff: I never finished kindergarten. I left a couple weeks early to visit distant (in more ways than one) family in Sarasota, Florida.

You know you've grown up when you have the pharmacy's phone number memorized.

Could be interpreted a couple different ways dept. : (my father, on being retired) "There's no more work days and off-days. They're all off-days."

I see where, at least until they're two, we refer to kids' age in months. How much longer can we do that before people start looking at us oddly?

To reflect my own youthful mind, I'll be turning 299 months in a little over a week! Yay! Cake for everybody!


BetSomewhereween

Me dear ol' mum on our family: "We put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'!"

Don't think with your brain full!

I wouldn't give my troubles to a Letterman fan on a rock!

I heard my alarm, turned it off, and proceeded to DREAM ABOUT getting up and going about my day like I was supposed to.

Lemon juice: A tool for discovering cuts on one's hand of which one was previously unaware.

The seventh inning stretch at Wrigley: Harry Karaoke. (It only took me a bit short of 25 years to realize this.)

N is for Non-sequitur.

I hope that the enemy comes in a form where they are inexplicably destroyed when two or more of them bearing the same color are hit with a replica of that form and color. We the masses will be fully prepared.

Mom: "Why does it have to be sports ALL THE TIME?!" Dad: "It doesn't! Just when they're on!"

The point is made
The tone is set.
If that's what you want,
That's what you'll get.


(on the Hitchhiker's Guide) Just the first two words alone are Far out.

looking for our glasses

My mother calls me into the other room to demonstrate my pronunciation of certain Hebrew and Yiddish words that feature that back-of-the-throat sound. She does this by saying: "Come in here! Let me see if you're Jewish!"

What does that sound like to you? I know what it sounds like to me......


I don't understand this fascination with putting things away. Things can't do any good if they're away.

Dark Star gazed out at the bizarre pattern of lights. Clearly there was something exciting and different out there, but was it real? Could it be reached at all?

She leapt down and made her way to the water bowl. That was one thing she knew she could rely on.

Room temperature water with bits of her own hair floating in it. But water nonetheless.


Ice cream knows no season.

I wonder how much of my life I've spent waiting for the "hot" water to get hot.

An only partially-working sign on a store in Bourbonnais one night: BUCKS COFFEE

Our suitcases all fit inside/around each other. Where does a company called American Tourister get off selling Russian suitcases?

Great moments in contemporary advertising: A close-up of the upper left of the Blue Screen of Death on one of those digital changing billboards overlooking the Jane Addams

Anyone else ever just lie there in the darkness with your eyes closed, gazing endlessly into the swirling green and purple before you? I'll bet that was the inspiration for the "Rock & Pop Swirl" flavor at Baskin Robbins.

Here's something I'd like explained to me: Illinois' alternate license plate design that prominently features mountains.

I am officially a full-fledged Facebooker. I wrote a status in the form of a cutesy letter to an entity that'll never perceive it.

You can take all the
Showers in the galaxy
And still not get clean.


Here's an obsolete word: Best. These days, it ought to be "Least bad".

I guess they're called "loaded questions" because we basically have to get loaded before we can try to answer them.

Idealistic
Unrealistic
Out of the mystic
Extra-simplistic
Masochistic?

Off-stylistic, anyway.


In Russia, song deletes YouTube!

Got air in my bicycle tires.

How's that? Nice, mainstream status update? Turn you folks on?

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