First Christmas ad of the season! August FIRST this year!

Honing My Nonexistent Stand-Up Routine

WARNING: This post contains language and imagery that some may find crude and perhaps even offensive. If such material upsets you, you may wish to scroll down to the next post. (Look for a change in color.) It's a lot easier than ignoring this warning, reading this post, getting upset and taking me to court in the hopes that the Patriot Act completely reversed the first amendment of the U.S. Constitution. You've been warned. I am not an ATM.

I heard an ad during the Cubs game for one of those cars that responds to spoken commands, except, for this one, you maintain a normal, casual speech pattern. Wouldn't that make it difficult to have a normal conversation with someone while in the car? Suppose you're on the speakerphone (no hand-held phones, please), and you tell someone at home to "pick up milk on the way home." Will the car think you're talking to it, automatically drive to a place with milk and then make its own way to your house? Or maybe it'll consider the dealership or the factory where it was assembled "home" and go there? If you tell the kids in the back to "be quiet," will the car again assume that you're talking to it, and shut itself down so it doesn't make any noise? How about if you tell someone to "go fuck yourself"? What kind of tricks might the car perform? Suppose you're frustrated about something and utter an exasperated "Fuck me!" Could the car accommodate this request? Suppose it's not willing. Can you be legally charged with attempted rape of an automobile?

I don't need a "Transformers"-type car that's actually a pseudo-living intelligent being. My sense of direction is great. If I wanted live transportation, I'd get a horse.

Keep it simple.

Adams' Theory, No. 49

Far out. Been up for some twenty-eight hours now. I have a theory that the more tired I am, the trippier my writing is. Just a theory.

You ever sit at the front of an otherwise empty bus (except the driver....) and just gaze around the rest of the bus.....? After a short while, does it look like a toy model or something....? All those seats and support bars? Does it seem like something you could easily pick up with two fingers and a thumb and run back and forth on a track making RUUMMM—RUUUMMMM noises?

Finished the semester today. Yay! Nine down, TBD to go.......

Just a theory.

Someone suggested to me today that Vitamin D may be helpful in regulating circadian rhythms. Hmm....eh....it's worth a shot, I suppose. I doubt I'll be able to afford a two-hundred dollar light box. I wonder if that prescription has an expiration date......

Zappa for the holidays.....Zappa for the holidays......

All this buzz about the Obamas' new puppy......Why a puppy? Why not a kitten? Is someone allergic? It seems you only ever see cats in the media nowadays being made fun of in stupid Internet "viral" videos......

WHEN YOUR ECONOMY HAS COMPLETED ITS COLLAPSE, YOU'LL BE WASTING AWAY IN THE REMAINS OF THE STREETS, AND THE CATS WILL RULE THE WORLD! YOU WILL SUBMIT TO THEIR EVERY WHIM OR SUFFER AT THE PAWS OF THEIR NEW TECHNO-CLAWS, WHICH THEY GOT TO REPLACE THE CLAWS THAT WERE SO BRUTALLY TAKEN FROM THEM SO LONG AGO..........

Just a theory.

Speaking of Claus, can anyone tell it's December? Christmas has been advertising since at least early August. ("Putting up that real Christmas tree can send you straight to the dugout." —some artificial tree company advertising during a Cubs game) I wonder how the future's historians will interpret our culture...... "They worshipped* a god called 'Santa Claus,' and they believed that they would achieve eternal salvation if they regularly sacrificed small bits of paper to the high priests, which were also called 'corporations'........"

Yeah. Jesus would totally approve of this.

I think if I ever wrote a holiday-flavored song, I would call it "Visions of Sugar Plums." Or maybe replace "sugar plums" with some slang term for a drug that resembles "sugar plums." Yeah. It would be a meandering pseudo-prog-rock-type-thing with some psychedelic tendencies. And it would have anti-romantic lyrics that border on jarring. Just the thing. I get sick of traditional holiday music pretty darn quickly.

Just a theory.

The United States of America. Yes. Just the thing. As soon as I can dig out my turntable from underneath all these papers and who-knows-whats....what is this, a measuring tape?....good grief...., I'm going to play this record. It's been far too long since I've heard it.

I've been taking a class on modernist poetry. Now I'm having nightmares where my words are all utterly obscure references. Thank Zarquon they're only nightmares........

Just a theory.

Far out. Been up for some twenty-nine hours now. I have a theory that the more tired I am, the more random and meandering any blog posts I make are likely to be.

Hope I did well on that final. It was a take-home......

Back on the other side of dinner and/or a good nocturnal anomaly's sleep........

Zappa for the holidays.....Zappa for the holidays......



Just a theory.


*I prefer to spell it that way. So there.

Heard the first ad of the year to feature Christmas music today.

The tenth of August.